Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Meow

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.