My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.