Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!