My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!