My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER