My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.