My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
pictures of spider-man
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Finally