Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR