My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.