Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Erm…

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Cheers Twitter.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.