Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.