My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
what it’s like dating me:
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
in the ocean
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”