My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Lmao
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE