Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

#parenting

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

I see your IQ test came back negative

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.