My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Don’t touch that.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.