Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again