Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

This squirrel eats better than I do

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Breaking news:

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”