Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
God: hey can we talk?
Cat: what’s up?
God: I thought you loved the humans?
Cat: I love them so much!
God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.
Cat: I’m playing hard to get.
Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.
Cat: omg did they say something about me?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.