@shanethevein

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

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@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@NewDadNotes

God: hey can we talk?

Cat: what’s up?

God: I thought you loved the humans?

Cat: I love them so much!

God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.

Cat: I’m playing hard to get.

God: oh.

Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.

God:

Cat: omg did they say something about me?

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@copymama

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

@freedom2726

When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.