My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
You had me at “define legal”.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛