My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
i love modern commerce
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Liquor Store Parking
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.