My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
sliding into dms like
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.