Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?