My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

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[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall


Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts


There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.


My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”


Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos


[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right


My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”


At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.


I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.


I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf