[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”
Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf