My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.