I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
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One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
when dads have a rap battle
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Botany good plants lately?