My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
No laws when master is gone
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
