My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
So true for me
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out