My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.