My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for