My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I want this so bad
This is the one
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Sure. Why not?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.