My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Whoa… oh I see lol
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.