Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

God, I love Scotland

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.