my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
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i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Basketball
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.