Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

bury ourselves

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.