Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

The two types of wives

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.