My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people