Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

I only eat vegetarians.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

i wish i could marry a nap

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.