Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.