My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…