My loaf of bread looks terrified
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
my favorite gender
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I would like even faster food.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son