My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
anyone else like Italian cereal
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Jus’ sayin. 😐
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
He a real one for that
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(