My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.