Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…