my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Leaving the Barbers like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.