my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.