My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
How did we not see this back then?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.