My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
first you must answer his riddles
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
You wish you had this many chins.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”