My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Watermelon Boss!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
making sure he doesnt get away
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains