Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.