My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
courtroom exchange of the day
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend