My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.