My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Mornin
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?