Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Breaking news:

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…