My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You Might Also Like
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
scrabbled eggs
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.