My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)