Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”