My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
You Might Also Like
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?