My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Sing it!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
