@FeralFerrell

My LonelyFans: I’m so desperate for friends it’s free to join but you have to pay an exorbitant fee to unsubscribe.

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@ThePocketJustin

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

@Iwriteforcats

Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

@chuuew

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

@Blarebare

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@NateMorrising

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway