they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.