My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Fights fire with marshmallows
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not