My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run