Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once