Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Born to be mild.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage