My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
A classic…
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
It’s an epidemic…
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
this is so top tier i cant
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!