Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

*gets down on one knee*

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.