Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Jail

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not