My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.