My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
😂🤣😂🤣
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy